I have realised lately that I approach test results in a funny way. I think I literally always anticipate the worst case scenario prior to a doctor giving me the results, even though I have no reason to (i.e. no adverse symptoms). I think it is natural to try and prepare yourself for the worst news, but I have recently found I almost don’t believe the good news when I receive it. And I also don’t seem to feel any relief when told it is good news, which I find the weirdest part!! I almost start to think that the test might not of had a good enough sample, etc etc. This can’t be healthy thoughts!!
Does anyone else get anything like this?
I think it is a case of believing that I’m only going to be well for so long and then something will come and get me. I know the answer is simple ; “Live in the moment”. Enjoy the good spell now, who knows what the future holds. But indeed what does my future hold??? How can I plan ahead when I am constantly expecting bad news and also don’t know how long the GVHD, etc will last. Can I book a holiday in September? Will I be well enough to go? Can I go to a friends wedding in South Africa next year? Can I commit to a mortgage? Can I feel comfortable commit to a relationship?? Or even will I feel well enough at the weekend to go out for a walk with friends? All very difficult when I’m struggling to see a future.
Anyway… test results have all been pretty positive of late!
Blood results – All good! No real change, all counts in the normal range.
Bone marrow results – Looking good and healthy. My cellularity is between 70-80%, showing good numbers of red cell/white cell/platelet precursors overall and no excess of blasts (immature rubbbish cells – indicative of my MDS).
Chimerism – I can’t remember the stats on this but I know that one of the blood types is showing to still be mostly my old donor, rather than my new donor (very confusing!!). But in order to help my GVHD and hopefully the chimerism, etc I have been put on a stronger dose of my immune suppressants.
Smear test – All good! Some low grade dyskaryosis (mild cell changes) but no hpv virus evident. So I don’t get to be felt up by a nurse for another year!