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Always expecting the worst

Posted by
03 Jun 2016

I have realised lately that I approach test results in a funny way. I think I literally always anticipate the worst case scenario prior to a doctor giving me the results, even though I have no reason to (i.e. no adverse symptoms). I think it is natural to try and prepare yourself for the worst news, but I have recently found I almost don’t believe the good news when I receive it. And I also don’t seem to feel any relief when told it is good news, which I find the weirdest part!! I almost start to think that the test might not of had a good enough sample, etc etc. This can’t be healthy thoughts!!

Does anyone else get anything like this?

I think it is a case of believing that I’m only going to be well for so long and then something will come and get me. I know the answer is simple ; “Live in the moment”. Enjoy the good spell now, who knows what the future holds. But indeed what does my future hold??? How can I plan ahead when I am constantly expecting bad news and also don’t know how long the GVHD, etc will last. Can I book a holiday in September? Will I be well enough to go? Can I go to a friends wedding in South Africa next year? Can I commit to a mortgage? Can I feel comfortable commit to a relationship?? Or even will I feel well enough at the weekend to go out for a walk with friends?  All very difficult when I’m struggling to see a future.

Anyway… test results have all been pretty positive of late!

Blood results – All good! No real change, all counts in the normal range.

Bone marrow results – Looking good and healthy. My cellularity is between 70-80%, showing good numbers of red cell/white cell/platelet precursors overall and no excess of blasts (immature rubbbish cells – indicative of my MDS).

Chimerism – I can’t remember the stats on this but I know that one of the blood types is showing to still be mostly my old donor, rather than my new donor (very confusing!!). But in order to help my GVHD and hopefully the chimerism, etc I have been put on a stronger dose of my immune suppressants.

Smear test – All good! Some low grade dyskaryosis (mild cell changes) but no hpv virus evident. So I don’t get to be felt up by a nurse for another year!



Hi Emmalouise,

You're not alone in anticipating worst case scenario, I think it's only natural to expect the worst so you're not floored again by bad news the way we were the very first time. Aha! Cancer might have got the better of us once but it won't sneak up on us again! We've seen you coming this time!  I play out all possible scenarios in my head in the days leading up to my consultant appointments, my current thinking us that as long as the Macmillan haematology nurse isn't in there, then things must be alright as he wouldn't dare give me bad news when I'm all on my own.  Would he?

I am nearly 2 years post chemo and have only recently started to plan things longer term.  Even then, I tend to wait until I have  just had a clear blood test, announce to the world that they're stuck with me for at least 4 more months, then start booking stuff and making some plans.  Even then, I never book anything without cancellation clauses, just in case......   You will slowly start to believe that you have seen the back of it.  Good luck, and keep the faith.