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Back to work

ed-f
Posted by
07 Aug 2017

Boy is home, I'm back in the office. Weirdly normal

It's twelve weeks on Thursday since the earth-cracking Night of Diagnosis.

Boy, all ten kilos of him, is home and himself a bit more, climbing stairs and laughing and covering his face with yoghurt when he "eats". His big sister starts school next month. We're talking about doing up the kitchen, maybe getting a barbecue and new patio furniture. This morning I went back to work for the first time since May.

Oh good grief, we're becoming normal again.

Except... except he's still got leukaemia. Except he still has a central line, and daily doses of antibiotics and antiemetics, and anaemia and neutropenia and diarrhoea and still bloody leukaemia and... I ask how can anything be normal, how can anything be normal when all this is going on?

In the office people ask how I am, how he is, how she is, how daughter is and I can't really answer because none of these things are normal to them but they are to us. There is a continuum and our reference marker for normal got a hefty kick to one side. Our bearings are not the same as they once were but I have to put a face on like nothing has changed.

Except, in many ways, nothing has changed.

Except maybe my perspective is different now, like a diamond viewed from different angles scatters the light in new ways, so now I see things so differently. 

Except it's not a diamond, because there's nothing nice about leukaemia.