Over the last few weeks I have been finding things quite difficult emotionally. It is a shameful thing to admit but at my lowest point, I considered not taking my medication. However, it occured to me the other day that being a mother, wife, sister, aunt, daughter and friend with a critical illness holds a certain amount of responsibility. It was something my 12 year old daughter said in the car on the way home from parents evening. So if I was at any point feeling sorry for myself, I certainly dont now as her words came at me like a slap around the face. You know the kind that stings for a while!
Despite our daughter usually reaching high grades, we are sometimes told at parents evening that a little more effort is required. As I am sure most parents understand we find this quite frustrating. However, this time it was different. Her teachers were full of praise, not only for her grades, but for her hard work and focus. The majority commented on how hard she had tried since the last term break. I found this odd as it was in February I received my diagnosis and then only 1 month later, we discovered our lovely dog Lola has Lymphoma. This was devastating news for us but especially for our daughter so i was half expecting her report to be down on last term.
On our way home and after praising her for her hard work, I asked what it was that made her try harder at school? What had changed? Her exact words were "Since you told me you had cancer, I thought that if i try hard at school and do well it will be one less thing you have to be stressed about and I know that stress can make cancer worse." Well....there it was.... a statement from a 12 year old girl that made my heart melt away. I wish so much she didn;t have to worry about me. It should be the other way round.
It is also the case that we as a family have recently shared moments of true happiness and proper belly laughs that have been interrupted by a sudden memory of what we are all going through. I hate seeing them cry and being a burden on their emotions but it is these moments of sadness that has recently spurred me on to dig deep and remember that I am not the only one that is finding the situation difficult.
I promise for their sake to try my hardest from now on to not let this get the better of me as I have come to realise that it is me that is responsible for the healing of this illness by healing myself. Not just physically but mentally and spiritually too.
Tomorrow I find out what the CML levels are in my blood. I am confident that by healthy eating, exercising, drinking plenty of water and trying to laugh every day no matter how rubbish i may or may not be feeling is going to allow us to receive some good news.