Bloodwise Ambassador Katie Ruane
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Change - I don't like it

Bloodwise Ambassador Katie Ruane
Posted by
24 Sep 2013

So it's funny, well depending on your point of view I suppose, I don't like change.  But at the same time I want it.  Change is something that has come up a lot over the last 6 and a half and a bit years.  It's something I'm desperate for, but at the same time don't want it as I am worried and maybe scared about who I will be when I am no longer a cancer kid.  What will make me special and unusual?  Will people still be interested in me and what I have to say?  I now have a patient in my University clinic and they were saying how much they don't like change and I was giving them all this advice.  Brilliant though my advice was, it's something that I need to take on board and implement myself.  Change is the only thing that is definite in life. 

A Uni friend of mine sent me a link about a talk this week on fear of change so I have booked into it.  Maybe this will be the start of my journey of accepting change.  And I feel like this may be the right time.  After nearly 3 weeks of being chemo free I have begun to feel truly alive again.  I've been up since 8 and sorted stuff out at home before going into Uni for an afternoon of body work and it's 9.25 and you know what.  I don't feel that tired.  I can't believe it!  I can't remember feeling like this.  And I don't want it to go.  I have the hospital next week and I'm going to see if I can negotiate a few more days off the drugs to wait for the leukaemic rate results, just to see what they are like.  I know that I will have to go back on them, BUT if my rate is still low, maybe we can see if other routes are possible....

I did a new jimmyteens video blog this morning (I will let you know when it's up on the site) and I was quite surprised as I became quite upset talking about change and how I am and that whilst there are parts of my cancer journey I would change, I wouldn’t change my diagnosis.  Maybe it's because I have this new feeling of life that more processing has been able to take place.  I know I will be processing this for many years and may never fully process it.  But I hope that my babbling at a camera and writing here (and my other blog) will help even though what I think and type is often nonsensical sentences joined up together with no coherence (or so I feel)  But it enables me to process everything that little bit more.

I spoke at a Macmillan event and I have been asked to get involved with young people stuff which is really exciting as I often (always moan) that I'm too old for TCT and am no longer in the spotlight and once again ignored.  I can't remember if I've mentioned it, but I 'joke' that I was the ignored middle child until my diagnosis.  But being asked to do stuff makes me feel like I can shine again and that there was a purpose for my diagnosis.  I can help make a change for the better for other cancer kids and that we are no longer the lost tribe.

I'm not entirely sure what my point was with this.  I did have some amazing ideas, as usual, on the tube.  I should write them down....

So thank you for giving me this space, and as always with love and laughter,                                                                  XxX