Coping with my 8 year olds emotions
My brave daughter
My brave daughter
One of the hardest things about having blood cancer is feeling totally out of my depth as a parent, sometimes being a parent isn't easy in normal circumstances but this....well this is super hard!
On the night I was admitted to hospital I disappeared out of her life in an instant and when she did come and visit me I was too ill to communicate. I remember crying and crying about this once I was a little better and able to process it! I felt like such a bad mother, how could I do this to my precious daughter, how could I put myself first? Friends told me I was too ill to do anything else but still!
I remember her wanting to give her money to the nurses on my ward to help! We made loom band bracelets for the Race for Life to sell to raise money!
During the months in hospital she would come and visit but I wouldn't let her stay too long, she was so brave and rarely cried! She was so strong through it all however now its all coming out! I know this is good all the crying and screaming but its also distressing. And I don't have all the answers.
She doesn't want to be away from me and I struggle to get her to go to school. She's asking me all sorts of questions and says that she is scared. She's scared that I will get ill again, she scared that she will get cancer and scared that people she loves will get cancer. She has also been worried about spending more time with me than my husband as when I was in hospital it was just the two of them most of the time!! She seems so angry at times but then so am I. It breaks my heart to think what she has had to face and seeing me so ill with no hair, crying, tubes everywhere, blood transfusions, crying with pain, etc.
I missed her first dance show as I was in hospital under neutropenic care yet she went on stage and smiled through the who thing! How did she do that when all the other kids had their mums there!
I do worry about how all this will affect her in the long term and am determined to help her and I would love to hear from anyone else about this!
Much love Anna
Find out more about Anna's diagnosis with AML