So anyway, this week I’ve got my 4-monthly check. I went to my GP surgery yesterday to get my bloods done & all I have to do now is wait for my results in clinic on Friday. I am hoping that writing this will remind me next time about how I feel just before a check because I can never quite remember exactly how I felt leading up to the previous check, however, this time I am sure that I am slightly more worried than on previous occasions. If I’m realistic, I probably say that every time but over the last couple of months I have felt like I’ve had something stuck in my throat, on the side where I have a lump & when I sleep on my right side it feels like something is pressing on my throat from inside my neck. I also do not feel like I am fully over the virus/infection thing that I blogged about a few weeks ago. The worry is ever-present, & it can be exhausting trying to keep myself on an even keel just to carry on with day-to-day life. Sometimes I feel irrationally jealous of others who are “only” worried about things like work, money & kids &, even though I know that is completely unfair because everyone has their own worries, I can’t help it!
Some of what I am writing may come as a surprise to those closest to me since I do not talk about it a great deal. I have been told that the general flavour of my blogs is quite positive but since my blog is a diary of my cancer journey detailing how I feel, I believe strongly that it has to be warts & all even if it’s not what people really want to hear! It is funny how it is easier to write something down than to articulate it verbally & this way at least I have a record of what I actually said rather than Chinese whispers. I suppose that means that it is cathartic too….
Every time I attend clinic I imagine that I will be told that I have to start chemotherapy & each time my haematologist says that everything is stable I should feel a sense of great relief but there is a small part of me that still cannot understand why they haven’t started treatment. I have joined an online support group & it does not surprise me that others struggle with the “incurable but treatable” label of our cancer. On the one hand, it is a relief that I am not the only one that feels like this but on the other hand, it is unsettling that so many others are going through the same thing.
Someone asked me once how I would feel if I knew exactly when my health would deteriorate & that treatment would be required & I said that although that in itself would be awful, at least I would be able to plan! The stress of not knowing is a very big part of both my and many others cancer battle. And so the battle continues – it is as much a battle for my mental health as my physical health & sometimes you cannot help but go over to the dark side.