Bloodwise Ambassador Katie Ruane
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Reflections on new life and life lost

Bloodwise Ambassador Katie Ruane
Posted by
17 Sep 2013

Hello lovely Bloglets,

I'm not entirely sure where I'm going with this (as I normally do, HA) but I feel the need to write, so that is what I am doing.  (And I have been cheeky copied this post from my other blog katruane.blogspot.com)

Still tired.  Had two nights of really bad sleep and I'm knackered.  All I want to do is sit on the sofa and eat chocolate biscuits (but I'm off refined sugar whilst I'm not on treatment for these 4 weeks as sugar and cancer are such good friends) curled up under my blanket and watch DVDs.  I might still do that, well the sofa and DVD bit, and not go to the supermarket or write my talk for the Teenage Cancer Trust conference Find Your Sense Of Tumour (FYSOT) which is less than a month away..... nothing like procrastination.  I have about 20 minutes and whilst I have a vague idea about what I'm going to talk about there is so much, and it's quite a daunting task.  Also, I'm not good at planning what I'm going to say, and every time I spoke for TCT at an event, whatever came up came up and that's what I mentioned.  Planning what I'm going to say seems very unnatural for me and not fake, but not the real me. Maybe I'm worried I'll lose a bit of me if it's planned.  Or maybe this is all rubbish and I just need to sit down and write it.

People coming into and out of lives (mainly mine) is still on my mind a lot.  Still thinking about the boy but if we are meant to be we will.  And I truly believe that.  Not just about relationships but life.  I do think that there is a path pre-planned and everything happens for a reason.  I'm sure I have mentioned this before. Yesterday I went down to Hastings to see a friend who has recently had a baby and of course, he is gorgeous.  Only 3 weeks old but I still got a smile out of him.  We were great friends when we were little, she and her mother lived with us when my parents ran a B&B as she went to a school near the house, so during the school term I had a live in friend.  It was brilliant!  My parents sold the house, and as it so often happens, we drifted.  Not long before I moved to London she found me on facebook and now she is married to someone I went to school with when I was little and now they have a son.  Life does funny things, but always draws back the people who are important. 

My friend Jack died just over 3 years ago.  His death hit me really hard.  I'd only met him a few times but we bonded and had such a giggle together.  He was so positive and such a fighter..... And I can't continue to get upset about it.  He had his path.  Remembering someone with a smile is so important.  And then me.  Back to the guilt and am I allowed to moan and whinge about my cancer journey?  It's so easy compared to some. But it's also forever hanging over me and dictating what I can or can't do.  But I'm still here, and this is what I should be so grateful for.  And I hope that one day, it will be me holding my baby, with my friends coming to see me and celebrate new life and the joy it brings.

Love and laughter,

XXX