So every Monday I do this thing on twitter called Monday Blogs, which, unsurprisingly, is about blogs on a Monday. I haven't had time to write a new one this week so found an old one (on my main blog) to tweet and thought I would post it here as well. Although it was written two and a half years ago, so much has changed and I have moved so far forward, and yet so much is still the same. The feelings I felt then are still there and whilst I am processing and dealing with everything to do with my dognosis, the change is slow. And with my 7th cancerversary looming on the horizon, I never would have thought I would still be on treatment 7 years down the line or that feelings I had two and a half years ago would still be with me.
Well my little bloglets,
I'm not going to lie, I feel a bit maudlin, and I don't know why.... Maybe it's listening to Elbow, did I mention I saw them in the Crypt of St Pauls Cathedral?? It was amazing - thank you Teenage Cancer Trust!! So maybe it's the song - I think it's called Build A Rocket Boys - that has reminded me of the gig and how privileged I am to be able to do these things. Admittedly I was volunteering and waving a bucket after the gig and smiling tying to extract as much money out of people as possible. And I did quite well as just over £1,000 was given. I should confess at this point that I was not the only bucket-er, but I like to think that it was me that got that majority!!
So where was I going? Can't remember, not really much of a surprise to those of you who a) know me and b) read this regularly. I would also like to say hello to the people who have started to read this because of my twitter account. It's @kgruane if I haven't already mentioned it.
So feeling maudlin, or maybe I'm just feeling so grateful, I don't know. Being my usual indecisive self. Or maybe it's because the sun is setting, it's been a beautiful day, I've had a lovely day with two friends at Borough Market and lots of food, well cake and then I walked home. Yes, it was further than I thought it was going to be - about 4 miles and about an hour and a half's walk, so maybe I'm just tired. But as I strolled home, walking past so many beautiful buildings, some old and some brand new. There is an amazing church on Brixton Road and the Razor building at Elephant and Castle takes my breath away. I felt this feeling of peace and contentedness that I've been searching for since moving to London. I'm doing really well in my degree, I got another first in some chemistry work, and feel that I am finally doing the right thing. No longer job hunting not knowing what I want to do, so not getting anything or ending up working for ridiculous people for peanuts in an industry I couldn't give a fig about. If you'd told me at 15 that I'd get over 70 in science, especially chemistry I would have laughed! I live in a flat that I love, with a flatty I adore - it's really home. Due to a very generous godfather and being careful with my student loan I only need to work part time before I go travelling and I get to see my little brother, admittedly only for 4 days, but for those 4 days he is all mine. I am also seeing other friends not seen in years.
Summer seems to have arrived and as I see people in flip flops and sandals and lots of coloured toe nails I wonder when I can do that again. I stopped wearing nail polish the summer of 2008 when I also stopped drinking because of all the chemicals in it, as the skin absorbs everything. I hoped, as silly as this might sound that by doing that, it would help my body fight, and keep it stronger and healthier. I am ever hopeful that this is the case and that I will get that magic result soon. I often get angry and think about stopping all the changes I've made. Yes, I talk about cake a lot and go through stages of eating it fairly regularly, but on the whole I'm pretty good, I'd say 80% good, 20% bad. I have in general cut dairy, refined sugar and caffeine from my diet as cancer cells feed off them. I don't drink, I don't smoke and I eat as organically as I can. Sometimes I think what's the point. But then if I hadn't done all this, would I still be here? Would I have had the bone marrow transplant that I sometimes long for? I don't know, that's the thing with life. I know this has all happened for a reason, I just wish that it would hurry up and be over.
So as I sit on my sofa with the sun setting behind the prison - a beautiful sight! Listening to a beautiful song with tears streaming down my face...and I don't know why. It is for all the times I didn't let myself cry? For all those not here today? Or for the person I saw being loaded up into an ambulance last week in Brixton who has tragically died. The place where he was beaten up is now full of flowers and cards. Or is it because I so happy to still be here, to be able to carry on, with amazing people around me? Or is it simply because I've exhausted myself walking home?
I don't know why I've suddenly decided to open up so much on here, perhaps its time to be completely honest and to let you know that I do have my down moments and to show that it's not all ok all the time. Or maybe it's because I'm on my own and I would rather type about how I feel than ring my parents. Maybe it's because I just need to 'be' - admittedly with my laptop and Elbow.
Thank you for giving me this space and for supporting me through it all; I couldn't do it without you.
As always, so much love, laughter and smiles and the odd tear,