It was a great relief when Friday finally dawned – after all at least I would know exactly what was going on & I always prefer to be “in the know”. I went to my support group on Thursday evening & we had a Psychologist giving a talk about happiness. He said that people are generally divided into two groups – those that want to know everything & those that prefer not to know. I definitely fall into the former category…
At clinic, following the usual weigh-in (least said about that the better!), blood pressure check & a gossip with one of the nurses, I was called straight in to see my Haematologist & it was a great relief to be told that my bloods were all fine. I talked about my other concerns & after the usual examination went back to work feeling giddy with relief that nothing seemed to be amiss & that I remain on 4-monthly checks. The issues with my throat do not appear to be linked to my lymphoma & let’s face it; I do know exactly what to do if my lymph nodes suddenly get much larger. As for the pains in my chest, I’ll go & see my GP if they persist. I rang my mum to tell her the good news & went on in to work feeling much better. Apparently I “bounced” into work so it was pretty evident that all was ok!
As the day went on, I noticed that I was feeling generally lighter of heart & very much more relaxed, until I was in a meeting to plan a piece of work that I’ll be doing over the next couple of weeks when suddenly, & completely out of the blue, I started to cry. Thinking back, I couldn’t even tell you exactly what triggered it but I remember feeling very stupid afterwards & more than a little embarrassed. And that is how my weekend went – I had euphoric moments & then for no reason at all, I got very tearful. I was also absolutely exhausted – I sat down for ten minutes when I got back from the supermarket on Saturday & woke up 3 hours later.
Living your life on watch & wait is an emotional rollercoaster since you spend your life preparing yourself to face bad news so therefore constantly in a state of high alert. On the flipside, & when I see what others are going through, I feel guilty for feeling so stressed about my own issues, but, because watch & wait really is a true no-man’s land I have no idea what to feel or how to think. Others have described it as watch & worry which I think is a pretty good description!
And so the battle continues – I’m all over the place when strictly speaking I should just be happy that everything remains stable. The proverbial sword of Damocles challenges me on many levels & today I feel drained both physically & mentally….