Bloodwise Ambassador Katie Ruane
Posted by

I Think I'm Beginning to Forgive Myself

Bloodwise Ambassador Katie Ruane
Posted by
30 May 2014

Well my lovely Bloglets,

As is quite often the case I don't really know where I am going with my writing today.  However with the hospital yesterday and Stephen's funeral today it is fitting to write, even if not much is said.

Firstly, I have been overwhelmed by the comments and feedback I have had from my last post.  It was a very raw thing to write and I do sometimes wonder if I shouldn't say what I do in the way that I say it.  I read the blog of another and they have a beauty with their words that I don't think I do.  There seems to be more peace and acceptance maybe it's because the posts are written after contemplation.  I, however, sit and type and process whilst doing it.  Or maybe...well I don't know.  So thank you to everyone who read it and let me be how I needed to be after hearing the news that Stephen had died and everything that means to me and all the emotion it brought up.  Today, I do feel a bit lighter, even though the scales yesterday did not confirm that. HA!

So, the hospital.  After various emails from my consultant, including one on a Saturday... I KNOW!!!! It was decided that as it's been about 3 weeks or nearly a month, I'm not sure to be honest, I can't remember, since I stopped taking the old drugs, it was time for a blood test just to see how everything is going.  I will find out the Leukaemic rate in about a week and depending on how that is depends on what happens.  I have a prescription for the new drugs aka drugs of doom and have at least another week of freedom.  I think, also, that shifts are taking place and after being very spotty and a bit smelly, the joys of detoxification, I really think I feel a bit better today.  Maybe a little less tired, definitely lighter and happier.  I don't know if it's my system finally rid of the old lot or because in 2 months I will be done.  I have serious amounts of work to do, I'm not entirely sure how I will get it done.  But I will.  Because I always do. And I need to let go of the mark.  It doesn't matter if I get a 2.1 or a 3rd.  Well it does a bit, for my ego, but in terms of being a therapist no one is ever going to ask me what result I got in research methods, or how was my starting your practice financial plan.  I just need to get it done and handed in and to pass.  Seeing my patients improve and getting the feedback from my supervisors in clinic is what matters.  And the fact that I have done it.  My class has gone from 22 to 9 in clinic and I am still there.  That is what I need to focus on.  Alongside everything else that has been going on, I did it.

Anyways, back to my consultant.  I love her so much!  It's amazing being listened to and discussing what will happen rather than patted on the head and sent off for 3 months and told that you are fine and to basically get on with it.  My thyroid is also going to be tested as she is not disbelieving that it's the impact of the drugs, but she is slightly puzzled as to why I still feel exhausted when this time a year ago, well nearly this time a year ago, I felt much improved after about a weekish.  It could also be that I am just burnt out from my degree and in fact not much will help that and I just need to power through.

Something else has started to happen over the last few days as well, which is ground breaking, is how I view me.  It won't come as a surprise to many of you that I don't view me as others do.  I'm not sure anyone does really, however, I am highly disbelieving of what people say in terms of compliments.  I don't know why, well I do for part of it, but not the other.  When I was little I put on a lot of weight and I think alongside that I used to think I was fat, well I was, no two ways about that, but I also added ugly to it and that has stayed with me over the last 20ish years.  Don't get me wrong, I don't suddenly think I'm the most amazingly beautiful person on the planet with a figure to die for, well, because I don't.  However, I am beginning to realise that I'm not fat.  I was, yes, and my weight has yo-yo'd, but for about 9 months now, my weight has basically been the same.  There are a few pounds of fluctuation depending, but as an average I weigh 9 stone.  I showed my flatty a picture of me from Edinburgh days and he said that I was double the size I am now and was surprised by the photo.  I think it showed him that when I say I was fat, I'm not just being a girl about it.  Ok maybe fat is a bit much, but overweight, yes. So for the last 4 or 5 days I have started to be, well I suppose, kinder to myself.  Maybe beginning to see who I really am.  Being happier with me.  It's been quite a journey but I will get there.  Maybe I need to clarify that.  I am happy with me, I haven't been so happy with the external me.

And so, I should go, and this time I shall include some photos.  I feel incredibly proud and brave doing this, as one is a picture of me from 2006 when I used to tan....boo....and yesterday morning.  Until this week, I have felt like I am the size I was and bigger.

And also, a sample of the little collection I put on twitter when I was bored at the hospital waiting for my prescription to be dispensed.  I should have done a thumbs up one for Stephen, which I will be doing at 11 to remember him and what he did and his family and friends who have a hole in their lives and no words can make it any better.  I am also putting these photos on here because it amused me hugely and I don't want you to think I don't have any laughter in my life because I do.  A lot.

Maybe I have just started to forgive myself,
With much love, laughter and hope,
XXX